Get-togethers are a real family affair

At a recent family reunion, it was great to see children chatting to some of the older family members who were reminiscing about their experiences growing up.

Over tea and cake on a sunny afternoon, three generations enjoyed meeting to catch up on the gossip, laugh, remember and commiserate – particularly after the enforced separation of lockdown.

While modern technology has made it easy to stay in touch with far-flung family members, our contact can often just be a case of liking their social media post or an occasional Zoom call. And older people often miss out on this altogether. In our hectic everyday lives, it’s hard to schedule time with our immediate family, while scheduling time with extended family is even more difficult. Despite our best intentions, these get-togethers can often seem too daunting to arrange, so that years go by and we find it’s only the weddings and funerals that physically bind us together.

Setting aside a few hours of quality time with our nearest and dearest is good for us all as it helps us connect with our roots, celebrate family accomplishments, and to feel bonded with those we love and share a history with. A family reunion is a great opportunity for children to see how they're the continuation of older generations; they can feel cared for and connected to a wider circle of people - they might even find some new positive role models in their extended family.

From children hearing stories about their forgotten relatives, to trying recipes that have been passed down over the years, our family reunions help us reaffirm our sense of identity and belonging. The very act of a reunion is a way to create new memories for all of us, whatever age.

A reunion is also a perfect time for family members to share photos or documents to help build a family tree or history book. The next time you manage to get everyone together, why not ask relatives to bring copies of family photos or mementos to share which can help preserve aspects of your family’s past for future generations. These can be a great way to kick-start your life story book, sparking memories of people and events you might have forgotten. So, get baking, pick up the phone and put a date in your diary. You’ll be glad you did.

Don't rue the day - write it!

“Regrets, I’ve had a few,” …sang Frank Sinatra, whose famous lament evolves into a powerful case for unapologetically doing things his way.

Like Frank, everybody has regrets, whether small or sizeable. We all wish that we'd done something differently at some point in our life – and as we get older, we can particularly fixate on those chances we didn’t take rather than the ones we did. But regret can be a misunderstood emotion in a society which encourages us to be positive and forward-looking. After all, what possible good could ruminating on past mistakes do?

However, feelings of regret can become overwhelming and destructive, so instead of obsessing about them, or dismissing them, perhaps we could lean into those negative emotions and use them to clarify our lives and teach us something about ourselves. By looking backwards with the aim of moving forwards, we can even convert our regrets into fuel for progress.

So how do you come to terms with regret? It’s about being kind to yourself and offering yourself the same compassion as you would someone who was unburdening themselves. Admitting your thoughts, feelings and actions by telling others – or writing about them – can bring physical and mental benefits; according to scientists, self-revelation is linked to reduced blood pressure and better coping skills.

It’s also about the ability to accept yourself, to recognise that there was a wider context to your actions and to understand that you made those decisions based on the values and the information you had at the time. This can lead to remorse and self-knowledge, but above all, being able to feel regret ‘well’ is the strongest sign of a life meaningfully lived.

You can use the theme of regret to spark off your life story book. How about writing some notes about ‘what held me back from applying for my dream job’ or ‘why I lived the life I wanted instead of obeying my parent’s wishes’?

Approached with an open mind and willingness to self-reflect, regrets can build bridges, mend relationships and even improve the future as, by understanding what you regret most, you can understand what you value the most. And these findings will underpin a considered and stimulating life story.

In tune with our musical memories

I heard a song on the radio recently that transported me back in time to when it was in the charts. It had such sentimental resonance that I got goosebumps and could visualise where and with whom I’d been listening to it, all those years ago.

I’m sure I’m not the only one to get ‘the chills’ listening to music. Research shows that this happens because music stimulates an ancient reward pathway in the brain, encouraging dopamine to flood the striatum, a part of the forebrain activated by addiction, reward, and motivation. Whether it’s the music from a first dance, lullabies from childhood or a theme tune from a favourite TV show, music has the ability to take us back in time and remind us of our past, giving you that flashback feeling.

We process music cognitively, emotionally, spiritually and physically - and it plays a key role in accessing our memories. It’s also an important tool for helping connect to people with dementia and there’s a great website - playlistforlife.org.uk - that gives tips on curating music for them. When speech fails someone and their memories are lost, sufferers can still connect to, and sing, the same songs from their childhood. Music seems to activate widespread networks across the brain all at once, so even if some parts are damaged by dementia, music can still reach other parts. These brain networks are active for all of us every time we tune into a piece of music.

Most people find that particular music will vividly reanimate times in their life, which can be in turns nostalgic, uplifting and emotional. So why not sit back and put a favourite album on to jog some memories? You might also find that those song lyrics even help to articulate some life experiences and express those feelings that are hard to put into words. And then use them to start writing your life story!